Chapter Eight - The Real Journey Begins
'Do you know my father?’ Katka demanded. She was out of breath because she had run from Anna’s apartment and across the square, but it had been her first thought when she woke this morning and when she saw two soldiers sitting outside the cafe, she was desperate to ask.
But in reply the two soldiers only looked at Katka. They were wearing the black uniform of SS officers and because it was cold outside they still had on their heavy top coats and peaked caps - one had his booted-leg outstretched and resting on a chair, the other was sipping from a little cup.
‘My father. He’s a soldier in the German army, just like you, do you know him?’
At this the soldier with his leg on the chair laughed incredulously, ‘Young girl, do you know how many soldiers there are in the German army?’ - Katka began to feel stupid - ‘Thirteen million.’ He said, ‘Do you think I know all of them personally? You haven’t even told me what his name is!’
Both soldiers laughed at this and Katka wished she had waited. She felt small - a little girl asking idiotic questions. The two soldiers had no interest in helping her. They went back to their conversation, but just as Katka turned to walk away the first soldier stopped her. ‘Well, at least tell us what he was called.’
‘Jan.’ Katka said, although immediately she was unsure.
‘Jan?’ The soldier replied, making no attempt to hide the disbelief from his voice. Then turning to his companion he said, ‘Rudi, do you think there’s a soldier in the German army called Jan?’
‘Oh sure there is!’ Said the second soldier, then after a moment’s thought added, ‘I think he’s friends with Hans.’ And this caused both of the men to laugh loudly at Katka’s expense - it took some time for them to regain themselves. The first soldier then leant forward and said, ‘Young girl, I just told you there are thirteen million soldiers in the German army, if all you can tell us is he is called Jan how can we possibly help you? Do you even know his last name?’’
Katka wanted to lie and tell the soldier it was the same as hers but the truth was she didn’t know. She felt so pathetic suddenly - how humiliating that she didn’t know the name of her father, that the only way to find out would be to ask Anna, her mother’s old neighbour.
The soldier shook his head. ‘I am sorry, but you are out of luck. Was he German or Czech?’
‘Czech.’ Katka said.
‘And he wanted to join the German army?’ The soldier whistled beneath his breath, ‘He was a brave man, he probably won’t be coming back here though -’
The sound of a voice from the far side of the square caused the soldier to stop speaking. It was Anna. She was waving for Katka to come over - ‘Katka, come on! We’ll be late!’
Katka signalled that she was coming, then hurriedly turning back to the soldier she asked, ‘What do you mean, he won’t coming back?’
But it seemed the soldier had nothing more to say. ‘I am sorry that we could not help you. Now run along, your mother is waiting for you.’ He said and turned back to his friend.
‘She’s not my mother.’ Katka replied bitterly, but the soldiers paid no more attention and Katka walked slowly away.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Anna demanded, taking hold of Katka’s arm roughly.
‘I just thought -’ Katka began.
‘Thought what, that those soldiers would tell you about your father?’
‘No, I -’ Katka began, but right now she did not know what she thought.
‘Katka, those soldiers are dangerous.’
‘I just want to know who he was!’ Katka said, speaking louder. They had begun walking towards the factory. Other people were in the road and some looked over at the sound of Katka’s raised voice.
‘Katka, please.’ Anna begged, ‘Your voice -’
‘What was his name?’ Katka insisted.
‘’Katka, what does that matter now?’
‘What was his name?’
‘Jan.’ Anna said, then after a pause, a few paces further along the road, ‘Rozec, his name was Jan Rozec.’
It only took Katka a moment for the information to register. ‘Your name? She said. ‘He had the same name as you. Was he your -’
‘Brother.’ Anna confirmed. She stopped walking, ‘Yes, he was my brother and now he is fighting with the German army.’
‘And he is Czech?’
‘Czech, German, Katka, what difference does it make? Don’t you see, these things don’t matter now, not in this life we live.’ She took hold of Katka by the shoulders, stooped so she was speaking directly into her face, ‘He did not even care what the Germans were doing, he was not a Nazi -’
‘No, that’s not what I mean, I just didn’t think -’ she stopped, ‘It doesn’t matter, ‘I don’t care what he did, I don’t care about any of this, ‘I just wanted to know who he was, that’s all.’
‘And you will know. I promise you.’ Anna said and when they had reached the gates of the factory she pulled Katka to her, ‘We will speak tonight, back in the apartment.’
Katka nodded. She hadn’t realised she had been crying - only when Anna clumsily rubbed a tear from her cheek with the hem of her sleeve. ‘Don’t be foolish today, don’t ask any questions.’ Anna said, ‘Remember, you are still the girl from Ostrava.’
Katka nodded.
She went inside the factory and sat down at her workstation. And amid the smell of gunpowder, and with an empty chair beside her where the old woman had used to sit, she became trapped in her thoughts.
She thought about her father - Anna’s brother - she thought of the questions she should ask. She wanted to hear all about him, about his marriage to her mother. Had they even been married? Had they loved each other? Would he want to see Katka if she found him? Because I want to find him, I want to speak to him about my mother, Katka thought. And it wasn’t until the end of the shift - after the alarm sounded and the women on the factory floor, with the first enthusiasm of the day, stood up from their workstations and began for the door - that Katka was able to speak about him again.
The moment she was alone with Anna she said, ‘I want to know everything about him.’ and in the same breath, ‘I want to go and find him.’
Anna would have laughed if she hadn’t looked so suddenly afraid, ‘Find him? You do realise there is a war happening, don’t you?’
‘I need to find him.’ Katka said again, knowing at the same time that it was useless, that to find him amongst thirteen million soldiers spread out across Europe, Africa and Asia would be completely impossible. But throughout the day it had been the only thought in her head, trapped like a moth in a window frame - impossible to get out.
‘It does not make him evil, you know.’ Anna said. She had just hung her coat on a hook by the door and was standing facing Katka. ‘I know what you're thinking and I know what people say. Trust me, I have heard them all and I have had to listen to them too. That old woman in the factory who was taken away yesterday, there are plenty like her, telling me how he should be killed, how all Germans should be killed. They hate me in this town, hate me for what my brother did.’
‘But it was not you-’ Katka began.
‘It does not matter. It is what people think that matters. And when this war is over I am sure they will make it clear to me how they feel.’
‘What will happen?’ Katka asked.
Anna did not answer.
‘We learnt at school,’ Katka began, thinking, grasping for anything she could say to Anna that might help, ‘about the old empire. Wasn’t it the same then, when the Austrians ruled, when we had an emperor? Isn’t this just the same thing happening again?’
Anna shook her head. ‘I do not know.’ She said, ‘I do not know.’
They ate a meal of soup and shared some bread together. Neither spoke whilst they ate, partly through not wanting to speak, but also because they were hungry and the food, meagre though it was, felt good in their stomachs. Only when their bowls were scraped clean did Katka ask Anna if she had a picture of her father.
‘He was a handsome man.’ Anna said, taking down a shoe box that she had inside a cupboard in the living room. ‘It is no surprise your mother was so in love with him.’
‘But did he love her?’ Katka asked, taking the first picture Anna handed to her.
‘They were very young.’ Anna replied. It was clear she did not want to answer Katka’s question. ‘Your mother was too young and my brother - my younger brother - was only twenty-one when he left for Germany.’
‘How old was I?’ Asked Katka.
‘I don’t know.’ Anna replied, ‘You were younger than five when he left, I suppose.’
‘And that apartment we lived in, with mother and with you living in the apartment upstairs, did my father live there too? I don’t understand why I don’t remember him.’
‘He was an adventurer.’ Anna smiled, ‘He lived there, but only for a short time. It was your grandmother’s apartment. It was one of the reasons -’ she stopped for a moment, ‘Jan thought that if he fought for them we would be able to stay there once the Germans came, he said it was one of the reasons he wanted to join -’
‘I don’t understand.’ Katka said.
Anna shook her head, ‘It does not matter.’ She said, ‘It is just this land, it is disputed here, this land has been fought over before. Here -’ She said, handing Katka another picture. It was a picture of two people and immediately Katka recognised the woman.
‘My mother.’ She said, then fingering the worn edges of the black and white image - a man and a woman sitting side by side on a bench, smiling, him with his arm draped across her shoulder. ‘Is this how they were? I mean, when they were married. They look so happy together.’
‘They were never married.’ Anna said.
It was easy to recognise where the picture had been taken - in the square in front of the station building - and it was easy to see what Anna had meant when she had said he was handsome. His smile was broad and confident, he had kind eyes and thick blond hair.
Katka thought about this picture as she lay awake in her bed that night. She thought about what the soldiers had said to her too - that her father probably wouldn’t be coming back. Did that mean he was dead? He was a foreigner fighting in the German army and the Germans were losing the war now - Anna had even confirmed Katka’s fears as they had talked late into the evening - ‘Neither of us will see him again.’ But Katka knew this was not true. She would see him again, somehow she was sure.
And so it was no surprise later that night, as Anna slept soundly and Katka remained awake with a head that would not be quieted, that she looked out of the window and saw someone else she had not expected to see again. He was wrapped in a heavy grey coat and had his hands thrust into his pockets. He was sitting on the same bench Katka’s mother and father had sat on in the photograph.
It was Paul.
But in reply the two soldiers only looked at Katka. They were wearing the black uniform of SS officers and because it was cold outside they still had on their heavy top coats and peaked caps - one had his booted-leg outstretched and resting on a chair, the other was sipping from a little cup.
‘My father. He’s a soldier in the German army, just like you, do you know him?’
At this the soldier with his leg on the chair laughed incredulously, ‘Young girl, do you know how many soldiers there are in the German army?’ - Katka began to feel stupid - ‘Thirteen million.’ He said, ‘Do you think I know all of them personally? You haven’t even told me what his name is!’
Both soldiers laughed at this and Katka wished she had waited. She felt small - a little girl asking idiotic questions. The two soldiers had no interest in helping her. They went back to their conversation, but just as Katka turned to walk away the first soldier stopped her. ‘Well, at least tell us what he was called.’
‘Jan.’ Katka said, although immediately she was unsure.
‘Jan?’ The soldier replied, making no attempt to hide the disbelief from his voice. Then turning to his companion he said, ‘Rudi, do you think there’s a soldier in the German army called Jan?’
‘Oh sure there is!’ Said the second soldier, then after a moment’s thought added, ‘I think he’s friends with Hans.’ And this caused both of the men to laugh loudly at Katka’s expense - it took some time for them to regain themselves. The first soldier then leant forward and said, ‘Young girl, I just told you there are thirteen million soldiers in the German army, if all you can tell us is he is called Jan how can we possibly help you? Do you even know his last name?’’
Katka wanted to lie and tell the soldier it was the same as hers but the truth was she didn’t know. She felt so pathetic suddenly - how humiliating that she didn’t know the name of her father, that the only way to find out would be to ask Anna, her mother’s old neighbour.
The soldier shook his head. ‘I am sorry, but you are out of luck. Was he German or Czech?’
‘Czech.’ Katka said.
‘And he wanted to join the German army?’ The soldier whistled beneath his breath, ‘He was a brave man, he probably won’t be coming back here though -’
The sound of a voice from the far side of the square caused the soldier to stop speaking. It was Anna. She was waving for Katka to come over - ‘Katka, come on! We’ll be late!’
Katka signalled that she was coming, then hurriedly turning back to the soldier she asked, ‘What do you mean, he won’t coming back?’
But it seemed the soldier had nothing more to say. ‘I am sorry that we could not help you. Now run along, your mother is waiting for you.’ He said and turned back to his friend.
‘She’s not my mother.’ Katka replied bitterly, but the soldiers paid no more attention and Katka walked slowly away.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Anna demanded, taking hold of Katka’s arm roughly.
‘I just thought -’ Katka began.
‘Thought what, that those soldiers would tell you about your father?’
‘No, I -’ Katka began, but right now she did not know what she thought.
‘Katka, those soldiers are dangerous.’
‘I just want to know who he was!’ Katka said, speaking louder. They had begun walking towards the factory. Other people were in the road and some looked over at the sound of Katka’s raised voice.
‘Katka, please.’ Anna begged, ‘Your voice -’
‘What was his name?’ Katka insisted.
‘’Katka, what does that matter now?’
‘What was his name?’
‘Jan.’ Anna said, then after a pause, a few paces further along the road, ‘Rozec, his name was Jan Rozec.’
It only took Katka a moment for the information to register. ‘Your name? She said. ‘He had the same name as you. Was he your -’
‘Brother.’ Anna confirmed. She stopped walking, ‘Yes, he was my brother and now he is fighting with the German army.’
‘And he is Czech?’
‘Czech, German, Katka, what difference does it make? Don’t you see, these things don’t matter now, not in this life we live.’ She took hold of Katka by the shoulders, stooped so she was speaking directly into her face, ‘He did not even care what the Germans were doing, he was not a Nazi -’
‘No, that’s not what I mean, I just didn’t think -’ she stopped, ‘It doesn’t matter, ‘I don’t care what he did, I don’t care about any of this, ‘I just wanted to know who he was, that’s all.’
‘And you will know. I promise you.’ Anna said and when they had reached the gates of the factory she pulled Katka to her, ‘We will speak tonight, back in the apartment.’
Katka nodded. She hadn’t realised she had been crying - only when Anna clumsily rubbed a tear from her cheek with the hem of her sleeve. ‘Don’t be foolish today, don’t ask any questions.’ Anna said, ‘Remember, you are still the girl from Ostrava.’
Katka nodded.
She went inside the factory and sat down at her workstation. And amid the smell of gunpowder, and with an empty chair beside her where the old woman had used to sit, she became trapped in her thoughts.
She thought about her father - Anna’s brother - she thought of the questions she should ask. She wanted to hear all about him, about his marriage to her mother. Had they even been married? Had they loved each other? Would he want to see Katka if she found him? Because I want to find him, I want to speak to him about my mother, Katka thought. And it wasn’t until the end of the shift - after the alarm sounded and the women on the factory floor, with the first enthusiasm of the day, stood up from their workstations and began for the door - that Katka was able to speak about him again.
The moment she was alone with Anna she said, ‘I want to know everything about him.’ and in the same breath, ‘I want to go and find him.’
Anna would have laughed if she hadn’t looked so suddenly afraid, ‘Find him? You do realise there is a war happening, don’t you?’
‘I need to find him.’ Katka said again, knowing at the same time that it was useless, that to find him amongst thirteen million soldiers spread out across Europe, Africa and Asia would be completely impossible. But throughout the day it had been the only thought in her head, trapped like a moth in a window frame - impossible to get out.
‘It does not make him evil, you know.’ Anna said. She had just hung her coat on a hook by the door and was standing facing Katka. ‘I know what you're thinking and I know what people say. Trust me, I have heard them all and I have had to listen to them too. That old woman in the factory who was taken away yesterday, there are plenty like her, telling me how he should be killed, how all Germans should be killed. They hate me in this town, hate me for what my brother did.’
‘But it was not you-’ Katka began.
‘It does not matter. It is what people think that matters. And when this war is over I am sure they will make it clear to me how they feel.’
‘What will happen?’ Katka asked.
Anna did not answer.
‘We learnt at school,’ Katka began, thinking, grasping for anything she could say to Anna that might help, ‘about the old empire. Wasn’t it the same then, when the Austrians ruled, when we had an emperor? Isn’t this just the same thing happening again?’
Anna shook her head. ‘I do not know.’ She said, ‘I do not know.’
They ate a meal of soup and shared some bread together. Neither spoke whilst they ate, partly through not wanting to speak, but also because they were hungry and the food, meagre though it was, felt good in their stomachs. Only when their bowls were scraped clean did Katka ask Anna if she had a picture of her father.
‘He was a handsome man.’ Anna said, taking down a shoe box that she had inside a cupboard in the living room. ‘It is no surprise your mother was so in love with him.’
‘But did he love her?’ Katka asked, taking the first picture Anna handed to her.
‘They were very young.’ Anna replied. It was clear she did not want to answer Katka’s question. ‘Your mother was too young and my brother - my younger brother - was only twenty-one when he left for Germany.’
‘How old was I?’ Asked Katka.
‘I don’t know.’ Anna replied, ‘You were younger than five when he left, I suppose.’
‘And that apartment we lived in, with mother and with you living in the apartment upstairs, did my father live there too? I don’t understand why I don’t remember him.’
‘He was an adventurer.’ Anna smiled, ‘He lived there, but only for a short time. It was your grandmother’s apartment. It was one of the reasons -’ she stopped for a moment, ‘Jan thought that if he fought for them we would be able to stay there once the Germans came, he said it was one of the reasons he wanted to join -’
‘I don’t understand.’ Katka said.
Anna shook her head, ‘It does not matter.’ She said, ‘It is just this land, it is disputed here, this land has been fought over before. Here -’ She said, handing Katka another picture. It was a picture of two people and immediately Katka recognised the woman.
‘My mother.’ She said, then fingering the worn edges of the black and white image - a man and a woman sitting side by side on a bench, smiling, him with his arm draped across her shoulder. ‘Is this how they were? I mean, when they were married. They look so happy together.’
‘They were never married.’ Anna said.
It was easy to recognise where the picture had been taken - in the square in front of the station building - and it was easy to see what Anna had meant when she had said he was handsome. His smile was broad and confident, he had kind eyes and thick blond hair.
Katka thought about this picture as she lay awake in her bed that night. She thought about what the soldiers had said to her too - that her father probably wouldn’t be coming back. Did that mean he was dead? He was a foreigner fighting in the German army and the Germans were losing the war now - Anna had even confirmed Katka’s fears as they had talked late into the evening - ‘Neither of us will see him again.’ But Katka knew this was not true. She would see him again, somehow she was sure.
And so it was no surprise later that night, as Anna slept soundly and Katka remained awake with a head that would not be quieted, that she looked out of the window and saw someone else she had not expected to see again. He was wrapped in a heavy grey coat and had his hands thrust into his pockets. He was sitting on the same bench Katka’s mother and father had sat on in the photograph.
It was Paul.